Hello, friends, and welcome to my recap of this week’s Wynonna Earp: Season Bulshar, Episode Gnome!Wife. I’ve been looking forward to this Noelle Carbone episode all season because of the cast and writers’ “low-key” shouting about it, and I have to say, it did not disappoint. In fact, at one point I may have messaged Bridget [Liszewski] and said I wanted to marry this episode and have its babies. So just your normal, regular response here.
Grab your handcuffs, pause Coyote Ugly, and polish your ice-dancing gold medal if you have one. Let’s go!
Previously on Wynonna Earp, Nedley’s retiring, Wynonna is schtupping Charlie Fireservices, Doc’s a vampire, and Mama loved Julian but isn’t a huge fan of Johnny Hank Holliday.
We open on Charlie Fireservices, who’s servicing Wynonna’s flaming ladybug. But, alas, they’re interrupted by a different kind of Haught. Nicole is doing a goodwill tour for her potential leveling-up to sheriff, and today’s lucky recipients are the fire department. She and Waverly, doughnuts and coffee in hand, try to explain why Nicole’s the right choice for sheriff, but she fails to win them over…until she agrees to buy a dozen copies of their calendar. “Happy Easter to me,” she says.
Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Charlie says that it’s weird that Nicole is dating Wynonna’s sister, and Nonna is concerned he’s some sort of “pray the gay away” guy, but that’s not it. Apparently Purgatory has a Pride, and Charlie loves it. Nicole warned Charlie that Wynonna is a hot mess, which Wynonna thinks is “better than a cold tidy,” which I’m guessing is what she thinks Nicole is. They trade some really great fire euphemisms for sex, and then Wynonna accidentally chirps the siren (not a euphemism), meaning that when she steps out of the fire truck, all eyes are on her. Whoops.
Like any hot-blooded woman
At the Gardner house, Kate and Doc wake up on the floor because apparently a bed or an air mattress of any sort wasn’t on their House Hunters wish list. “I’m a vampire drifter whose previous home was an RV with a stripper pole. He’s a jobless olden-timey dentist who did a 140-year internship in a well, and his last home was a drafty barn. Our budget is $1.4 million.”
He’s woken up by a burning on his hand, which is apparently Bulshar’s ring that’s rejecting him because his dental proclivities have taken a turn for the bloody. He questions what he’s done, but what you’ve done is exactly what you wanted, Doc. No one tricked you, and no one talked you into it. You wanted your immortality, and the price to pay is that now you’ll have difficulty shaving.
I have simply wanted an object to crave
At the sheriff’s department, a bunch of drunken frat boys (OTPs!) are hanging out in a holding cell while Nicole, Nedley, and Wynonna ponder what sort of party bus is at 10 a.m. A Fandras fanbus, probably. Jeremy, meanwhile, has fallen asleep burning the midnight sage oil trying to track down Bulshar, but no dice.
In the Twitter-famous Nedley’s office, he has Nicole and Wynonna going through his
sex cave supernatural closet. Wynonna wonders why he didn’t turn everything over to Dolls, and Nedley admits that by the time he knew Dolls was trustworthy, well, it was too late to share any info. Everyone’s favorite BROTP gets to decide what is junk and what is worth saving, and let’s be honest — this is a disaster from the beginning, but the best kind of disaster, probably.
Nedley tells Nicole that she needs to convince councilwoman Bunny Loblaw that she’s the sheriff that Purgatory needs — Bunny is a bully, so she needs to be direct about what she wants. (That advice sounds familiar.) Nicole hops off to make an appointment with Bun Bun, and Wynonna tells Nedley ol’ Bunny is gonna make lettuce out of Nicole.
In the barn (because I guess that’s Doc’s home?), Doc is trying to find a temporary resting place for Bulshar’s ring, and apparently Nedley’s mug is busy. Mama pulls a shotgun on him and says he should be more careful when there’s a “gun-toting mental patient around.” And, you know, Revenants.
But you, you’re not allowed
She is upset that he left in the middle of her dinner, and he insists that “something came up.” She wants him to help her blow this barn stand, though, and he — well, I don’t know that he agrees, but he takes his almost-mother-not-in-law on her errands. She probably needs to go to Michael’s to get supplies for craft night, right?
At Nedley’s office, Nicole is getting down to business — no, not that kind — while Wynonna is screwing around — no, not that kind, either. Wynonna finds his old cop notebook, and tucked inside it is a photo of him with a young girl that definitely won’t be important later. Wynonna points out that Nedley doesn’t care if his closet is cleaned. He just wanted to see if they could put aside their differences and work together. Nicole refuses to do nothing, especially after Bulshar was responsible for Dolls’ death, and that’s all Wynonna needs to light a fire in her — again, not that kind. She starts randomly pulling stuff out and tossing it, and she ends up breaking a mirror and what looks like the kind of garden gnomes my mother-in-law involuntarily collects.
Elsewhere, lightning strikes…something (Nedley’s fishing shanty? A shack? An outhouse? Where the Earps store the generator?), and a figure appears, so that’s probably gonna be problematic.
An unfortunate slight
Well, despite whatever problems Wynonna may be having with Doc, apparently she’s still on relatively good terms because she can still walk into Shorty’s and ask for a whiskey and demand the bottle. She sits down next to a ginger-ale-drinking not-Sheriff-anymore Nedley and shows him the picture she found. He asks how things are going with his sex-closet clean-out, and Wynonna complains that Nicole is too uptight. Nedley, gently setting the photo back on the bar, tells Wynonna that she and Nicole have more in common than she thinks and maybe she should ease up a little bit.
Nicole is having a cold tidy at her house, and sets the bible on the table, giving us all a peek into Bunny Loblaw’s brain. She turns around and Bunny has appeared, like a judgmental ghost who doesn’t believe in knocking. She bristles at Calamity Jane’s existence, though, because she’s “allergic” (the one thing BL and I have in common, if it’s true), and Nicole runs and puts her away. Or tries to, because can you really make a cat do anything?
Must be strangely exciting
Bunny pokes around in Nicole’s stuff, mouth turning up in disgust at the picture of WayHaught. “Disgusting,” she mutters. YOU KNOW WHAT, BUNNY LOBLAW? I THINK YOU’RE DISGUSTING.
Mama’s errand was going to visit her family in the cemetery, and a shaded Doc stands by as she talks about the ones who have gone before her. Seems like Mama got a pretty good handle on Willa even though she left when Willa was still a kid. I guess Willa really was Father of the Year Ward Earp’s since the beginning, since she knows that Willa’s first priority was always Willa. “She’d have been a terrible heir,” Mama says, and Doc points out that she was just a child. Perhaps Doc’s comment was able to break through some of her tough exterior, though, because Mama’s attitude shifts, saying Willa was her baby. She apologizes to Willa for leaving, and then takes off, dragging Doc with her. He whines but she tells him to “stop being a wiener.” Classic Mama Earp.
Nicole explains to Bunny why she should be sheriff, and I think Bunny is tuning her out because, like any good church-going Christian woman, what she wants is GOSSIP. She thinks Nicole is the one to give it to her, but there are many flaws in her plan. First of all, Nicole Haught WOULD NEVER. Second of all, don’t lead with bashing Randy Nedley. She tries to leverage Nicole’s becoming sheriff with Nicole herself spilling the beans about Purgatory’s supernatural existence, and Nicole stammers, trying to Haught talk her way out of this one.
To watch the stoic squirm
Gloriously, an Interrupting!Wynonna appears to save her, but Bunny senses tension and decides to stoke the Wynaught fire a bit, saying she wants Wynonna to be sheriff. I mean, Jolene shouted out to chaos, and I think Bunny is bringing it here. Like Jolene, she’s able to identify each person’s biggest fear and just…poke it with a stick. Because the worst Jolenes aren’t the ones played by Zoie Palmer, are they? They’re the ones who are real, telling us we are different and can never make anything of ourselves so why even bother to try.
In the kitchen, a giggling Wynonna says she can’t wait for Bunny to find out about Purgatory Pride, then remembers why she’s actually here…except gets interrupted with the thought of being sheriff of Purgatory. Apparently Nicole has no idea how sound works, because their loud arguing very clearly makes its way into the next room, and Bunny can easily hear the product of her meddling. Wynonna insists that her inability to follow rules is the very reason why she’d make a good sheriff, unlike Cold Tidy Nicole Haught.
Must be somewhat heartening
Bunny sees that lightning shack figure peering through the window, shouts “ISIS!”, and keels over…which it’s difficult to describe in words how funny this was. Props to Jann Arden for just…going for it. Amazing.
Nicole and Wynonna find her passed out on the floor with a very comfortable Calamity Jane using Canadian Legend Jann Arden’s ass as a pillow, and Nicole thinks that Bunny has had a fatal allergy attack. They rifle through her purse (no, not for cash!) and find her anti-CJ medication, which they shove down her throat and wash down with a pot of tea.
To watch shepherd meet shepherd
Wynonna and Nicole almost frog-march (so like tadpole march?) Bunny out of Nicole’s house (which has magically had a neighborhood spring up around it; I guess those houses are made of Bulshar trees?) and into Nicole’s cruiser. While our BROTP is bickering about who will get Bunny’s purse, a couple of the OTPs take off in the cruiser for a little drunken joy-ride.
Wynonna hot-wires Bunny’s car so they can pursue her, which Nicole doesn’t understand since they have her keys. They contact the Jagged Little Nerd squad, and Waverly and Jeremy track Bunny to a Revenant biker bar. Bunny, secure in her backseat hutch, can’t escape and is screaming at them to let her out, probably because she heard about Golden Girls Trivia.
But you you’re not allowed
Nicole tries the spare key, and it breaks off in the door, so they head into the bar to steal the keys back. But, because today is basically their worst day ever, the Revenants see them. They bargain with the bikers to let the OTPs go, and Nicole, ever the noble sheriff, tells them to take Bunny to the hospital first, though she could have asked for backup of some sort. And though I would have loved to see Nicole and Wynonna go up against The Drowsy Bears in a Golden Girls trivia battle, they instead opt for a drinking contest.
Mama tells Doc some of her sad story, using Charlene for support. She couldn’t wait to get out of Purgatory and hit the rodeo circuit, but she got drunk when she came home one weekend and made Sheriff of the Year Ward Earp into Father of the Year Ward Earp. Doc points out that Ward gave her “three beautiful daughters,” but Michelle reminds him that Waverly is Julian’s. And Julian didn’t leave Michelle voluntarily. The night Waverly was born, Ward pushed Julian outside of the Ghost River Triangle, according to Bobo. When she tells Doc that the price of that information was Bobo’s freedom and also some Brussells sprouts, Doc is angry at her for putting the lives of her daughters in danger. He wants her to leave for their safety, which is maybe what she was after all along.
At the Sheriff’s department, Waverly can’t get ahold of Nicole or Wynonna, and she’s worried. She and Jeremy work out that they’re having really the worst luck of all today, so they see the broken mirror and try to put it back together, hoping that will turn Wynaught’s luck.
Wynonna and Nicole are handcuffed together, for some reason, and about 38 shots deep into their drinking contest. Drunk Nicole is back in full force, bless Bobo, and the Revenant is feeling it, too, but Wynonna isn’t even slurring her speech. The Revenant spits his shot back up, and Wynonna declares herself and HaughtShot the winners…but he spills the “beer” she’d been chasing her shots with, and it’s full of unconsumed alcohol. Thanks, Coyote Ugly, for helping Wynonna “win,” but unfortunately now the Revenants think this means they can kill them. But just think logically, guys — even if Wynonna cheated, Nicole won the drinking contest. I guess logic isn’t in these guys’ wheelhouse. Nicole and Wynonna, still chained together, trudge through snow up to their golden girls. Maybe next time Wynonna will think before she cheats.
An unfortunate slight
At the Gardner manse (seriously, is Mercedes coming back soon to kick out these squatters?), Doc is putting together a go-bag for Mama, and Kate thinks it’s for Wynonna. Kate says Wynonna won’t want him like he is now, and Doc points out that Wynonna has made him the man he is today. You know, except Kate can lay claim to that “eat the rarest of meats with the sharpest of incisors” part, which Doc asked her to do.
I must seem greatly intriguing
Wynaught are still dashing through the snow, and Nicole is blaming Wynonna’s cheating for their current predicament. Wynonna (correctly) points out that there are no rules when you’re fighting demons — do whatever it takes to win. And that’s what they do when the Revenants show up — Nicole is Scott, Wynonna is Tessa, and we are amused, entertained, and suddenly missing the Olympics. They work together well, dispatching the Revenants, causing Wynonna to say their “chemistry’s solid,” and I have to agree. It’s chemistry that’s been built slowly over the course of 2 ½ seasons…not chemistry that’s expected to be there just by another character shouting CHEMISTRY! They’re saved from the last Revenant by the axe-toting lightning-shack non-ISIS dude, who says they owe him a wife.
You speak of my love like
Waverly and Jeremy fix the mirror, but it doesn’t seem to help — Wynonna, Nicole, and 307’s Bachelor bumble into the station. Waverly tries to stop him, and she’s tossed aside, proving a welcome change from Nicole being the one tossed around. Jeremy tries as well, but is overpowered by years of bottled-up mountain-man breath, probably. He demands a new wife, and this jogs something in Waverly’s brain. Nicole and Wynonna try to hold him off with the best weapons at their disposal — a broom and a walkie-talkie. They try to offer up each other as the better wife option, and it’s kind of endearing to hear these two finally be forced to say how they feel deep down. But honestly, I don’t think either of them are ideal choices for Gnome Gary’s betrothed.
You have experienced love like mine before
Waverly realizes they broke a gnome, too, and she and Jeremy race to put it back together with the help of some supernatural tape. Another flash of lightning, and gnome Monique (MoGnique? GnoNique?) and her husband are reunited, and he leaves with her in his arms. It’s an easy resolution and quite a sweet one, actually. And nice that it’s one that doesn’t have to end with Wynonna having to shoot anyone (except the Revenants).
Doc has requisitioned Bunny’s car from The Drowsy Bear and given it to Mama, along with her go-bag. She insists on giving him his pistol back, though, and tells him that even though he made her leave, Wynonna will forgive him. She always does. He’s upset that she’s abandoning her family, since he’s convinced himself that he made his choices to protect his family. They’re two people who have told themselves they made difficult choices to protect the people they love, but really they’re two people who are running away from the ones who love them and abandoning them in the process. They’re the bravest and the most cowardly at the same time. But when Doc tries to guilt-trip Mama for it, she’s not having it, what with him being a vampire and all.
But this is not allowed
Wynonna is dragging bags of garbage out of Nedley’s Office, and she runs into Bunny. The doctor has cleared her to leave, so she decided to stop by and tell Nicole that she’s not supporting her for sheriff, even though the Bunny didn’t die. “She does not belong here in Purgatory,” she says, and Wynonna isn’t having one bit of these Bunny droppings. Nicole did the right thing, even if it could hurt her, and when that isn’t enough for Wynonna, she digs even deeper. She threatens to send all of the demons of Purgatory to Bunny’s rabbit hole. Bunny agrees to support Nicole and turns tail and leaves, and Wynonna has won this round.
But…Nicole overheard it all — all of Wynonna’s reasoning why she’d make a good sheriff (and the fact that all of Bunny’s arguments against her had nothing to do with her actual skills as a cop) and offers Wynonna a beer to chase the hangover away. They’ve truly found an understanding of each other. Wynonna has admitted that Nicole is good at what she does, and Nicole knows that sometimes you have to break the rules to get the job done and protect the ones you love (like illegally bugging a creep’s phone). Wynonna admitted that part of the reason she was so reluctant to accept Nicole is that she was afraid she’d leave Waverly high and dry when the demons came out to play. “Wynonna, I love her” is the only response Nicole needs here, and she loves Wynonna, too.
Nicole does admit the jealousy she has of Wynonna — she gets the cool job with the secret government agency, she gets to track down demons and not jaywalkers, and she does what she wants when she wants, not fearing the consequences of the Bunny Loblaws of the town. Plus, she’s the goddamn Earp heir, and how cool is that? But Wynonna points out that Nicole is as tied to Purgatory as the Earps are, showing Nicole the picture of young Nedley and our favorite HaughtCultEscapeArtist.
Nicole heads into Nedley’s office, and then probably one of my favorite scenes in the entire series happens. She shows him the picture, and he gets bashful. All he did was help a scared, tough kid who managed to save herself, really. He kept track of her after the massacre since he didn’t trust her parents to do it. Anyone who’d let their 6-year-old kid attend a music festival isn’t fit to be a parent, in the eyes of Randy Nedley. He thinks they’d be proud of her, but she knows the truth. She says they stopped talking to her because of “how [she] is” — a cop. She seems serious, and it’s a shock, really, because I think we all assumed she fell out of touch with her parents because she was queer. And now we find out how selfish they really are — they abandoned the toughest, bravest, most honorable officer the Purgatory sheriff’s department has known since Randy Nedley.
An unfortunate slight
When Nedley saw Nicole was in the academy, he offered her the job, and when she saw it was in Purgatory, she just knew she had to accept it. She tearfully tells Nedley that everything good she has in her life is because she came back, echoing the sentiments of thousands of Earpers. So many good things have come into our lives because she jumped on this one-way bus headed to Purgatory. Nedley tells her she’s like a daughter to him, and she hugs him through her tears, literally embracing her found family. And he assures her that he won’t leave Purgatory if she needs him.
At the Homestead, Waverly is crying over the letter their mother left — she’s gone because she took off after Julian. Waverly feels abandoned, and Wynonna’s only priority is comforting her baby girl. Waverly doesn’t understand why Mama keeps leaving, but Wynonna knows it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that even if Mama keeps leaving, at least they have each other.
I don’t think you unworthy
An exhausted Wynonna, her mother’s letter in hand, walks out on the Homestead porch to find Doc. He hands her Bulshar’s ring, and she’s confused how he got his hands on it. He brushes her off, and she presses him with questions. Why didn’t he keep it? How did he get it? Was he with her mother? He again tries to charm his way out of the conversation, but it doesn’t work. Michelle has told Wynonna not to trust Doc, and he tries to turn the spotlight on her, pointing out how she let Bobo free. “She does love to burn a place down before she runs,” Wynonna says, and just wants to know why her mother says he’s not what he seems. Doc points out that Wynonna rejected him, and Wynonna’s not having any of it. She slaps him repeatedly until he vamps out in front of her, and Wynonna’s fear is confirmed — Kate’s turned him into a vampire. It’s the ultimate betrayal, and one that she won’t easily forgive him for.
“What about us? What about Alice?” she asks, pointing out the lack of foresight in his decision. He insists that he made a sacrifice to keep them safe, but Wynonna thinks he just did it to reclaim his immortality. He didn’t make a sacrifice to keep his family safe; he made it to keep himself safe. And through a voice shaking with tears, she uninvites him from the Homestead.
I need a moment to deliberate.
Monica’s Random Thoughts of Randomness:
- I genuinely think Interrupting!Nicole may be my favorite running joke of the season.
- I think Charlie’s line about it being weird that Nicole is dating Waverly is going to come back and be significant later in the season (or even next season). Charlie isn’t what he appears to be (read: a regular Riley Finn but with fire), and I don’t think Nicole is, either. He knows something about her, or vice versa.
- Season 4 wish list: Purgatory Pride.
- God bless Tim Rozon and his lack of carbs.
- You can tell that pic of Nedley wasn’t with Chrissy because the kid wasn’t holding a bottle of chloroform.
- At the next Earper gathering I’m at, I’m totally drinking a Randy Nedley — one part ginger ale, one part whiskey.
- Wynonna, Nicole would never walk around with a pickle up her ass. She hates pickles.
- I am partially convinced that Bunny Loblaw was modeled after my paternal grandmother, a truly horrible woman who disliked gays and immigrants and really anyone she herself felt “didn’t belong.”
- Also, I love that Bunny accused Nicole of wanting to go through her jacket pockets, when that’s EXACTLY SOMETHING A BUNNY LOBLAW WOULD DO.
- Head canon — Bunny Loblaw is Champ Hardy’s aunt.
- Nicole’s right — Wynonna would not be a great Chipotle manager. I think she’d give a lot of people extra guac and just bankrupt the place.
- I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that Wynonna keeps insisting that Nicole wants to rob Bunny.
- I just imagine Kat and Melanie talking to their husbands the night of shooting the scene in Nicole’s house and having them ask how their day was. “Well, I held down Canadian Legend Jann Arden and forced tea down her throat. How was your day?”
- The Drowsy Bear? Sounds like a very specific type of Revenant biker bar. And there are only guys there. Hmm…
- The gnome looks like he was wearing a pussy hat.
- Did Michelle know Doc was a vampire all along, I wonder?
- Jann Arden is a goddamn delight, even if just for her “why pick just one” line delivery and almost running into the door on her way out. But also for everything else.
- Nicole’s parents were selfish and disowned her when she became a cop? What if they were part of the Banditos who Wynonna ran with?
- Wynonna taking a second to say that she was jealous her mother got to run away from her problems gutted me.
This episode reminds me of my favorite episode of Supernatural, where the boys have the worst luck after a rabbit-foot incident. It hit the same level of humor, squishy feels, and plot advancement. Plus, bonus point for not being misogynistic.
The scene with Mama and Doc and Charlene gave me a little bit of…pause. They both seem to have some other agenda here. Even when Michelle said that “Waverly was Julian’s”; she’s saying Ward isn’t the father, but just the way she said it (and the way Doc led her to it) seemed like they were both trying to trip each other up.
I think Doc Holliday is a man with the best of intentions, but he has real difficulty looking beyond the short term. He agreed to his original immortality without reading the fine print, he agreed to give it up because that’s what Wynonna needed, and now he asked Kate to make him a vampire without thinking of the long-term consequences. He can’t live as a demon and expect to be with the Earp heir. Granted, she pushed him away, but I don’t think she had any idea of the consequences of her rejection. Now he’s a vampire and has his immortality back, but he can’t be with the women he loves. He’s handcuffed to a life he never wanted, paired with a wife who he was never truly happy with. Kate says Wynonna is breaking Doc’s spirit but she loves him at his worst, but it’s not that simple, is it? Wynonna won’t admit it, but she loves Doc unconditionally. She loves him at his best, his worst, and everything in between, but she thinks she doesn’t deserve him at his best, and she knows he doesn’t deserve her at his worst. Unlike Kate, she loves Doc despite his demons, not because of them.
Anyone who has read literally anything I have written in the last two years knows how important I think representation is, but this episode gave us a different kind of important representation. It’s important that people see that humans like Bunny Loblaw exist. And they do — I see them all the time. I feel their judgmental stares, especially when I’m in West Virginia. Gay marriage is legal, sure, but that doesn’t mean that self-righteous “Christians” aren’t out there, trying to forcibly pray away the gay and the immigrants and the brown people and anyone who doesn’t look like them. It’s important for people who aren’t in a marginalized community to realize that it’s not all rainbows and puppies. Jerks like her still exist, and oftentimes in our own families. You know the ones — they think they’re inherently better than you for a lot of reasons, but mostly because of your orientation. They whisper about you and your “alternative lifestyle” when you’re not in the room. They think you’re disgusting. Sadly, these people still exist, and they aren’t quiet about it.
My well-meaning friends and family who, for whatever reason, maybe don’t stick out as much as some of us — it’s important for them to see this. Because they support the ACLU and come to Pride with me and understand why All Lives Matter is racist and think that the world is getting better (which it is…I think? Right?), but they don’t deal with being other’d every single day. They don’t feel like sometimes the simplest path feeling like you belong is changing your appearance — the appearance you’ve been working towards for years and years and years and finally matches how you feel on the inside, but “how will you ever find a job if you look like that?” Bunny Loblaws are out there, my friends, and it’s good hat we’re reminded of this.
And finally…Nicole Haught. I connect quite a bit with a character who follows all of the rules, especially when someone who slides by doing the bare minimum and cheats seems to get all of the success. Nicole has worked her way up in the sheriff’s department (you know, for an entire year), and Bunny just insinuated she’d give away Nedley’s job to Wynonna. It’s not fair. Oh, and spending your entire life with people who have never gotten you, only to discover your found family and a girlfriend who loves you because of your quirks, not in spite of them? Yeah. Yeah, I relate to Nicole Haught, and I think a lot of us do. My found family didn’t literally find me in a canoe at a crime scene, but, you know, basically. And I felt no less rescued from a situation that seemed no less life-or-death. This fandom is my Randy Nedley.
This week’s episode really was a doozy, and I can’t wait to see what they have in store for us next week. Until then, my friends.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Share your thoughts below!
Wynonna Earp airs Fridays at 9 p.m. ET on SYFY and Space Channel.